Sure, you might not have an ‘office’ per se (although a desk in the bedroom surely counts for something). No, you may not have an army of employees at your beck and call. And naturally, given your relative commercial immaturity, there are plenty of things you absolutely do not know or understand. But that doesn’t mean anybody else needs to know that.

To be successful as an entrepreneur, you need to jump at any given opportunity. And while some would advise exercising caution before signing a contract that calls on you to practice a discipline with which you have little to no familiarity, there’s no better way to learn than in the deep end, right?

The truth of the matter is that the vast majority of us encounter situations on a daily basis that confuse us. It’s almost impossible to avoid given the rapid advance of technology. I mean seriously, what the hell is Snapchat? Does anybody know? And as such, to turn down opportunities simply based on your relative inexperience would be foolhardy – if somebody wants to give me their hard earned money, best you know I will gladly accept it, and then beat a hasty retreat to Google to find out what on earth I just agreed to do.

Some might call this improvisational approach to business wildly unethical, but as I see it, it just makes good sense. Sure, it would be great to have the free time required to constantly up your expertise by attending courses and seminars. Yes, it would be quite lovely to answer questions in meetings secure in the knowledge that what you’re waffling on about could be backed by science. But such luxuries are not things afforded to those who value sleep and a functioning brain.

As I see it, learning on the job is the most effective form of education. Not only does it offer you the kind of much needed context that reams of literature simply cannot replicate, but it also instills in you the critical fear of failure required to actually sit through those long-winded YouTube tutorials that might otherwise bore you senseless. Terror is a highly underrated learning device.

Early on in my career, I tended to err on the side of caution, operating within a very limited field of expertise. It felt safer, easier to paddle around in tried and tested territory. But over the years, I’ve come to realise that the vast majority of people have no idea what they’re talking about 90% of the time. Some talk a good game, others less so, but at the end of the day, incompetence is an art practiced by many at quite admirable levels.

And so I began to venture outside the bounds of the familiar. Sure, I’m an experienced media buyer, why not? Email marketing? Piece of cake, leave it to me. And the more I did so, the more I realised that with a modicum of common sense and access to Google, there’s very little that a person can’t accomplish. Sure I might not know it NOW, but ask and you shall receive.

Ultimately, success in business is more about attitude than aptitude. There will always be people who know more than you. You will at some point inevitably use the wrong industry jargon to describe whatever it is you’re talking about (So. Many. Acronyms). And yes, you will make catastrophic errors from time to time. But will anyone notice? Probably not.

The important thing to remember is that as much as you’re feeling insecure in your expertise, it’s highly likely that everyone else in the room (including your client) is suffering from the same crippling fear of failure, and focusing just as hard to ensure they don’t confuse SEO with PPC. And once you realise that you’re all just as stupid as one another, it’s a whole lot easier to say ‘yes’ to just about anything.

But before you set off boldly into the fray, make sure to ask yourself these 3 key questions:

• Do I have the time? Sure you might have the hutzpah to get stuck into an entirely new discipline, but remember that expanding your offering into an entirely different sphere is going to require a fairly substantial time investment. Make sure you have that to spare before signing on the dotted line.
• What is the capability of my network? Yes, even Google comes up short sometimes, so it’s important to consider the capacity of your broader professional network to pick up the slack. That way, if push comes to shove and you end up completely stumped, you can always outsource the work to an actual professional.
• How do I want my business to look? A little influx of cash is always nice, but if you’re going to explore an altogether new path, make sure it’s one you’re committed to. Remember that adding a new discipline to your resumé is going to change the fundamental nature of your business, so it’s up to you to decide whether to keep things specialised or to become an entrepreneurial handyman for hire.

Now I’d say I’ve mastered the first two. Hell, I have even been known to rock an Excel spreadsheet or two in my day (multiplication and addition only). But when it comes to the art of presenting information in a visually palatable form, my ineptitude is of the very highest order.

One might suppose this not to be a problem for a person whose day-to-day undertakings seldom require a venture into the world of visual arts. Yet you’d be surprised how often such things are required – be they for prospective clients, existing clients or partner agencies – and how much professional cachet they actually carry.

I’ve always been a firm believer in the substance over style school of thought, in the ability of sensible words and sound arguments to trump the allure of the aesthetic. When watching other more established agencies put on slideshows featuring cleverly constructed graphics, reveals and all kinds of in-built tech that my Grade 9 expertise could barely fathom, I consoled myself with the knowledge that it meant nothing, that it was simply unnecessary bluster.

Yet it is exactly said bluster that acts as a mysterious form of client catnip, inducing knowing nods and smiles even in spite of a relative lack of substance. You see, to a prospective (or paying) client, it shows that there is a dearth of available resources – a team burrowing away in the back offices, able and willing to cobble together great presentations at the drop of a hat.

Is it necessary? No. Does anyone actually want to sit through 67 slides, all of which essentially say the same thing, marveling at the handiwork of poor interns who were no doubt chained to their desks for hours on end so as to create this masterpiece? I’m guessing not so much.

Yet what anyone tasked with giving you money that could perhaps be better spent elsewhere wants to know is what you CAN do, pointless an exercise as it might be. Your brief and mercifully coherent slides might save everyone time and get to the point a lost faster, but they also suggest (correctly in this case) that you’re some sort of hapless one-man-show, one unable to rely on a slew of minions to adhere to your random whims.

So what’s a businessman to do? Put someone on your payroll to whip up dazzling presentations at the drop of a hat, simply so you can make your clients feel better about paying you (essentially wasting money simply so as to prove you can)? Do you take a night course in PowerPoint management and try your best to elevate your own expertise? Or do you simply own your ineptitude and make it a part of your charm?

Let me tell you why I’m leaning toward the latter option.

Firstly, I don’t have the financial arsenal at my disposal to simply hire someone to make a (power) point. Granted, there are occasions befitting some sort of financial investment – new business pitches for example, when you have little time to catch someone’s attention – but by and large, what needs to be said can be done so with very little budget behind it.

Secondly, I feel much about this as I do about the concept of a physical office. Sure, it’s nice to have. Yes, clients are going to throw you the odd ‘ooh’ and ‘aah’ when you walk them through your well decorated halls. But what are you left with at the end of the day? More space to manage, less money to pay your employees and a big fat whopping bill at the end of the month to rub salt in the wounds.

Ultimately, it’s important to remember that it’s what you say at the end of the day that is going to make or break any client relationship, rather than the way in which you say it. Sure, you might feel a bit sheepish when asked to present in meetings with fellow, minion-filled agencies. Yes, your client may wish you were more visually gifted from time to time. But if anyone feels a lack of PowerPoint prowess is cause for a breaking of ties, you’ll have to ask yourself whether that relationship was worth it to begin with.

So, in conclusion, yes, it might be worth YouTubing a few handy guides on how to jazz up your presentations. But is it worth doing so at the expense of actual work? Absolutely not. One day, you’ll have the hands on deck you need to accomplish such frivolity. But in order to reach that corporate zenith, it’s vital that you don’t waste your time fretting over things that are ultimately inconsequential.

Now as business owners, we tend to talk better than we can walk, frequently lamenting the various shortcomings of our clients, and threatening to fire them for their bad behaviour. But let’s face it, we all know that’s not going to happen. Firstly, the simple fact is we need their money, even if it does come with a side order of acute psychosis. And secondly, the prospect of actually cutting ties with anyone so early on in a business’s life cycle seems foolhardy and perhaps a tad overconfident.

That is, until the rug gets pulled out from under you. Yep, I got fired this week. It was quick, it was polite, but it stung like a million knives tearing into my soul. Sure, it was a troubled relationship and yes, I’d many times lamented its ability to waste time and induce unnecessary misery. But still, it was MY time wasted, MY misery. And all of a sudden, it wasn’t. Just like that.

Over and above the obvious financial implications and ego bruising, this most undesirable of firsts serves to illustrate a business’s mortality, shaking its foundations and issuing a timely reminder that laurels should never be rested upon.

Will I miss the painful daily interactions with my now dearly departed client? I hardly think so. In fact, upon further inspection, I’m a little bit ecstatic about it (although that could just be post-traumatic hysteria – I’ll keep you posted). But since this curt announcement of our break-up, the business feels somehow less solid beneath my feet, the future murkier than it felt just 24 hours ago.

Now this might sound dramatic, especially given that it was a client I neither liked nor enjoyed working on. But hear me out for a second. You see, during the initial phase of a business, it’s natural to go through a gathering phase, picking up clients and employees like a curious magpie. Some are good. Some are beyond appalling. But in the back of your mind, you always imagine it’ll be up to you to decide what sticks and what’s returned to the heaving pile of flotsam and jetsam.

So when that decision is made for you, it’s a little….shocking. And also a tiny bit liberating. Because once the initial surprise has worn off, one starts to take stock and realise that this unproductive relationship might in fact have been curbing rather than sustaining your growth.

The endless hours you spent trawling through stock photos and crafting narcolepsy-inducing blogs guaranteed to be read by precisely nobody can now be put to more productive use. With extra time at your disposal, you can start seeking out clients better suited to your culture and less likely to cause spontaneous bursts of unconsciousness. You can spruce up your company website. You can brush up on that credentials presentation. Hell, the possibilities are endless.

And sure, these particular undertakings don’t exactly pay well (or at all), but they’re all fundamental elements of nurturing and growing a business. Yes, you won’t feel the effects immediately in your bank account (the less said about that bottom line at this point the better), but if you want to position yourself for greater growth in future, it’s vital that you get your house in order.

So, in short, yes breaking up sucks. There are no two ways around it. No matter who was at fault or who pulled the trigger in the end, the aftermath leaves a bitter taste in one’s mouth. But the point is that, unless it’s under exceptional circumstances, clients and agencies only part ways when things aren’t working. And if there’s any element of your business that’s broken somehow, it’s important that it be fixed before it’s left to fester.

So in some ways I’m grateful for this latest business first. Yes, it hurt. Yes, I am still questioning what I could have done better. But, I have also now realised that an enterprise can bend without breaking. Clients come and go, but if you’re armed with a strong core and culture, you can weather just about any storm (we will check back in six months or so just to verify this particular claim).

And then the business kicks off, and all hopes of maintaining any kind of identity dissipate in amongst a flurry of deadlines and a nightmarish whirlwind of admin, with hours seemingly vanishing in micro-seconds as we do our best to cling to some sense of order and sanity.

And so the best laid plans start to unravel. We start neglecting our corporate blog – initially conceived as a platform for thought leadership, but now a digital wasteland frequented only by trolls and spam lords. Our Facebook page starts looking tired. Our Instagram account, which once housed a vibrant series of enticing images, lies dormant for lack of anything worth photographing.

Naturally, our inclination as business owners is to tend to the needs of our paying clients first – after all, they’re the ones keeping the lights on. And with so few hours in the day to work with, it’s important that they all be billable.

Yet to neglect our own brand in favour of those we service is an exercise in short-sightedness, and a move likely to compromise the business at a later stage, once the last-minute requests and referrals start drying up. Because let’s face it, we’re only young and fresh once, and we can only ride the ‘disruptor’ or ‘newbie’ wave for so long. And when that comes crashing to shore, best you have a back-up plan in place.

In the early days, business seems to have a life of its own, and as entrepreneurs, we simply trip and fall in line with its demands, bobbing and weaving in response to the day’s diverse asks. But what happens when we have to take a proactive stance? When we need to go out to market and seek out new business?

Suffice to say it’s not going to look good when you, as a specialist social media agency, have a fat load of nothing on your own pages. How confident are your clients going to feel about handing over their business to you when your owned properties reek of ineptitude?

Sure you can name drop and wave testimonials in their faces, but that only really gets you so far. Great, so you work for Brand A or B, but as far as prospective clients are concerned, that could have been achieved on anything but merit. You could have dirt on their director, or conveniently have family members on the board. Who knows? At the end of the day, what is it that YOU have to say for yourself?

For entrepreneurs, it’s important to remember to do unto others as you would unto yourself, and that means making your business your number one priority. Simply doing great work for your clients isn’t going to cut it – yes, it demonstrates your ability to play with the big boys, but it doesn’t help you to differentiate your offering, your thinking or your expertise.

So while it might feel like a tedious exercise in pro-bono work that you really can’t afford to take on, it’s more important than ever in this age of increased competition that you carve out a niche for your own operation that extends beyond the what you do and clearly reflects the how. Because times will get tough, and if you stack up poorly against those gunning equally hard for the same business, you’re going to find yourself in hot water.

Here are two important thoughts to bear in mind to ensure your business doesn’t fall off its own radar:

Treat yourself like a client: Sure you might not be a paying client per se, but you should be afforded an equal level of priority when it comes to workload (even if the dividends you reap are only somewhere in the future). So make sure to add your own business to your client list, and treat it with the same level of urgency, care and attention as you would those whose business you covet.

Market your insight, not your client list: For many businesses, the easiest way to keep themselves on the radar is to simply brag endlessly about their client work, dropping names like it’s some sort of competition. But while it doesn’t hurt to have a brag book, it also doesn’t say anything about who you are. Presumably every business has clients – but it’s your thinking and culture that makes you stand out.

Part theme park, part working space, these new hybrid offices are fast becoming hot property in the corporate world, with business owners now clamouring to fill their spaces with ping pong tables and popcorn machines in the hopes of gaining favour amongst an ever more exacting millennial workforce.

How far we’ve come since the days of beige dry wall and inhospitable cubicles. Way back when, a trip to the printer was about as exciting as office life got. But thanks to the likes of Google and Zappo’s (whose PR agencies are to be credited for the sheer willpower it must have taken to make work cool again), workplaces have now evolved to become makeshift massage parlours, gaming stations and workout spaces. Hell, Lego’s office even has its own indoor slide. Let that sink in for just a second.

But what does all this tomfoolery have to do with work? Do daily massages do wonders for one’s creativity? Is an afternoon nap really the key to improved mental health? Or is everyone just jumping on the gargantuan, Google-shaped bandwagon?

Call me crazy, but if I have to take a slide to get from Point A to B within my own office, I’m probably going to go skidding off the deep end in about three minutes flat. And while there’s nothing essentially wrong with knocking off for the occasional neck rub or table tennis game, it somehow feels at odds with the purpose of the work day, which is, as I understand it, to work.

Perhaps I’m showing my age. After all, the purpose of a SnapChat filter is also completely beyond my grasp (Great, so I’m wearing a flower crown….now what?). All I know is, I’d prefer to get my leisure activities done on my own time, rather than under the glare of fluorescent lights and the watchful eyes of possibly judgmental colleagues.

Now don’t get me wrong, the idea of corporates doing good things for their staff is enviable. Noble even. I get that we want to make our employees healthier, happier and generally less dependent on chronic medication, but does this really need to happen in such a forced, contrived way?

A couple of years ago, I put a question to my staff, asking them whether they’d like a proper office or more money. I’ll give you one guess what the unanimous answer was. Because yes, I could invest masses of hard-earned money into ridiculous props and novelty items that might be used once or twice, or I could put that money back into the pockets of the people who actually earned it.

The thing is, everyone’s idea of the perfect office is different. Whilst I might enjoy the idea of an enormous indoor trampoline (such a winning plan), chances are that others might not be as partial to bouncing about aimlessly in the middle of the work day. Ultimately, we all hold very different ideas of both work and play, and so to enforce any kind of one-size-fits-all standard of frivolity is likely going to win you both friends and enemies.

At the end of the day, the only two things that every employed person seeks out without exception are more money and more time. Armed with those two very important things, they can go for that massage should they choose, or spend some time hitting the treadmill at the gym without having to rely on you to provide it.

The bottom line is this — fun is only ever really fun when it’s something you choose to partake in independently. Much like school trips and those interminable set books of our youth, the joy of a moment is often rendered moot by virtue of the fact that it’s enforced.

So before you start splashing the cash in an attempt to turn your office into some sort of corporate wonderland, here are a few key pointers that might help you to more effectively lift your employees’ spirits:

Ask your employees what they really want

If you really want to make your office a delightful place for your employees, you might want to start by asking them what makes them tick. While you might think a popcorn machine is the coolest thing on earth, chances are your employees are currently partaking in a carb-free diet, meaning your ‘gift’ is not only useless, but borderline offensive.

Remember why you’re there

A little fun here and there is great, but if your employees really wanted to hit up the playground, they could do so on their own time. Whilst the idea of offering diversions to clear the mind and revive the body is a good one, it can become distracting when it becomes the focal point of any space. If you’ve ever tried to work whilst listening to the sound of people smacking ping pong balls before, you’ll understand what I mean.

Focus on time

If you really want to give your employees a reason to love coming to work, give them the option to leave more often. By enforcing flexible working hours, you’ll enable your employees to seek out their own forms of frivolity, and leave them feeling a little less obliged to live their entire lives under your roof.

Based on the 1984-esque ways in which some businesses today operate, you might be inclined to think so. Despite widespread connectivity and a growing global move towards remote working, many enterprises continue to remain frozen in time, resolute in their conviction that physical attendance trumps all else when it comes to measuring performance and success. Time is money after all.

More and more often, I come across companies whose frazzled employees may as well not bother with rent given the amount of time they’re forced to spend at the office. They’re expected to fill in time sheets daily, and allowed only meagre lunch breaks, which tend to come accompanied by a severe and judgmental look that suggests it might be best to stay hungry.

All this in 2017, when the wonder that is the internet allows us to be connected no matter where we are. When groceries and doctor’s appointments and school runs can easily co-exist with frantic emailing sprees and Skype calls. Yet still there are some who consider physical absence akin to slacking, preferring to have employees tethered to their desks in plain sight, where they can’t get up to mischief or (gasp!) attend to their own lives.

Now, as anyone who’s ever held down a 9-5 knows, the likelihood of filling every working hour with meaningful and productive graft is slimmer than a now-banned French model with a BMI of 12.2. Humans sadly just aren’t wired that way. Much as we’d like to power through each day without distraction, we all get sidetracked, whether it be by coffee breaks, office gossip or a mindless trawl through Facebook. Which is seemingly acceptable, provided it takes place on the company premises.

This approach to business is frankly baffling to me. Surely the main objective of a working day should be to achieve goals, rather than to mindlessly warm a seat? If deadlines are met, does it really matter where, how and why? And does the achievement of said goals somehow attain greater significance when the person responsible is starved, terrified and sleep deprived?

I for one am not in the least concerned about my employees’ whereabouts on a day-to-day basis. Given the fact that time is indeed money, I find it to be a waste of mine to act as some sort of surveillance operative, tracking down the movements of those on my payroll. Would I be pleased if they went off the grid and spent the day in a spa? Probably not. But given that these are adult humans who understand the fact that I pay them to do a job, I trust them to exercise discretion and use their time wisely – something people over the age of 20 should be able to do without supervision.

Maybe I’m too trusting. But, as I see it, we all work differently. I, for one, am at my best before dawn, having achieved 90% of my daily goals before 9am. For others, night time is when they flourish. So what good would it be for me to slap them in a chair from 7 to 7, when realistically they’ll only be productive from 4pm onwards? That just sounds like a waste of both my time and theirs’.

Essentially, I’m paying my employees to get the job done, and by forcing them to account for every second they spend doing it, I’m only compromising their output. Have you ever tried filling out a timesheet? They are hateful things that require one to essentially make up your movements, because seriously, who can even remember what they had for lunch let alone what they were up to between 8:45 and 9:15 on a random Tuesday morning? Not me, that’s for sure.

And who cares anyway? Great, so you worked 12 hours last Wednesday, but what did you actually achieve? In my experience, the people with the most impressive time sheets are usually the types who have little else to do but take part in such mundanity, and who can spend vast swathes of time performing tasks that others might take minutes to complete.

Frankly, I want my employees to go faster. I don’t want them spacing out a 2 hour job over the course of 12 so as to score a pat on the back and a severe case of carpel tunnel syndrome. Remember, time is money, but only when it’s put to good use.

So how do you ensure your employees’ are making the most of their time? Here are a few top tips you might want to employ:

• Stop wasting time measuring it: Time sheets and other archaic forms of documentation are, ironically, wasting the very thing you’re trying to account for. You’d be far better off assessing your employees based on their ability to actually meet deadlines effectively.
• Show some respect: Your employees are not children (and if they are, perhaps it’s time to review your HR policy). By treating them like naughty teenagers, all you’re going to do is make them angry, resentful, and frankly less productive. Stop it. Stop it now.
• Be flexible: The key to maximising time is playing to your peoples’ strengths. Accept that the person who is incapable of anything but an incoherent grunt prior to consuming 14 cups of coffee is probably not going to accomplish much in the morning. But that’s ok. There are 24 hours in the day, so who really cares which you choose to use?

What? Me? A bastion of good cheer and humour? Initially, I was quite taken aback by this spurious accusation, but upon closer reflection, I do realise that my tales of crazed clients and demented colleagues might come off a tad misleading.

You see, the reality is that I absolutely love what I do. I beat my alarm clock to the punch every morning, positively beaming at the prospect of tackling a new day. I plant myself in various scenic locations while I work, and count my blessings every single day. And I’m only a grumpy reprobate about 20% of the time. But that’s not a great story is it?

Nobody wants to hear about your great life. While they might ‘like’ your Facebook posts and throw you the occasional affirmative comment, people inherently prefer others to keep their joy to themselves. Nobody really wants to see your holiday photos. Nobody wants to know how excited you are for Monday. And absolutely no-one wants to know how #blessed you are.

Additionally, conflict is a key element of any good narrative – after all, why else would ‘The Real Housewives’ shows be so popular? Tales of average days spent doing average things are of no consequence to anyone. We want drama, scandal, and tales of the downright weird. Not some chump rattling on about the mundane details of a largely agreeable existence.

However, it’s important that it be conveyed that entrepreneurship isn’t a constant battle that leaves one weeping into a wine bottle every night. Sure, there are plenty of peculiar characters that cross your path, the odd lunatic that leaves you feeling mildly homicidal, and endless learning curves that leave you a tad frazzled. But these minor inconveniences pale in comparison to the rush that accompanies each incoming email, and the possibilities that might arise with every person we encounter.

So in the interests of correcting any misperceptions about owning a business (and to silence my admittedly correct critics), here are a few of my favourite things about being an entrepreneur:

No two days are ever the same

Entrepreneurship may be many things, but predictable is not one of them. In fact, I can safely say that I wake up most mornings with literally no idea of what the day might hold. As a natural planner (and someone who is most averse to missing lunch), this can be a scary scenario, but it’s also undeniably electric, and makes the predictable pleasantness of weekends feel somewhat…uninspired.

If you’re someone who thrives on the comfort of to-do lists and 5pm knock-offs, this probably isn’t the career for you. But if the prospect of ending the day in an entirely different time zone without warning lights a fire under you, step on up.

The sky’s the limit

I often look at people with cushy jobs and corner offices and think maybe I made a bad call. Sure I’d love to be jetting around the world in a plush business class seat, an eager assistant in tow (back in economy class of course). And yes, I wouldn’t be averse to company cars and expense accounts. But then I remember that, whilst these dream jobs might be spectacularly lucrative, there’s only so much variety they can offer.

As a business owner, you have the opportunity every single day to completely revamp your job, and to make connections that instantly change the very nature of your operation. You’ll work with all kinds of people, learn new things on a daily basis, and, most importantly, never ever get stuck in a rut.

You get to build up others

Perhaps one of the most gratifying parts of this journey is the newfound ability to uplift others’ careers. That glimmer of hidden potential you spot in someone can now be nurtured into a full-blown skill, and with the resources of a business at your back, you now have the power to take a chance on someone who might otherwise have been overlooked because their CV didn’t look quite right.

Naturally, this crusade to pluck out hidden (and therefore also cheaper – this isn’t a charity) gems isn’t always successful, but there’s probably no better feeling than striking HR gold and nurturing a new talent to greatness.

Simply put, when you’re hot out the gates, you’re essentially the runt of the litter, and the only way to get ahead is by volunteering for the jobs nobody else wants. So you work weekends. You perform ridiculous tasks that you wouldn’t have been expected to take on as an intern. You man gates at festivals. You pull all-nighters. All for that highly sought-after ‘thank you’ that seldom (if ever) materialises.

Now, naturally there comes a point at which this is no longer feasible. At a certain juncture – once the business cards are printed and the website’s up and running and your staff contingent numbers more than two – it’s time to lay down the law and let people know exactly how your business intends to operate. You haven’t worked this hard to perform tasks that could quite frankly be undertaken by an able-bodied ten-year old after all.

This might sound easy enough in theory, but for someone with a people-pleasing disposition, it’s all but impossible. For those suffering from this serious affliction, the thought of angering anyone causes immense anxiety, rendering them largely incapable of refuting any request.

As a sufferer of said syndrome, I can’t quite pinpoint the root cause. All I know is that when someone makes an outrageous demand, it’s immediately followed by profanity-laden protests (to colleagues and family), which somehow, miraculously evolve into polite, obliging replies within ten minutes. Some might call it a skill. I personally liken it to a disability.

The trouble with this approach of course is that it simply elevates expectations to ridiculous levels. And not only does it demonstrate to your client that you’re a complete pushover, but it also suggests to them that you have little else going on. You can bet that agency bigwig isn’t dishing out responses in micro-seconds in the hope of a kind pat on the head or meagre thanks. But there you are, bending over backwards like someone with something to prove, and in the process proving nothing but the fact that you’re an idiot.

The irony here is that this approach to achieving widespread gratitude and universal joy is seldom effective, with those who dish out the silent treatment far more likely to receive praise than the overworked imbecile in the corner. Business you see, is much like dating. Show your hand too soon, and you come across as desperate. Perhaps even a little creepy. But act cagey and aloof, and you’ll have the other person eating out the palm of your hand in no time.

The sad truth is that an overt willingness to do good work is commonly regarded with suspicion rather than appreciation. Clients are used to things a certain way. They’re accustomed to lengthy turnaround times, curt responses and ridiculous systems and processes that turn two-second jobs into epic, month-long to-and-fro exercises. And your eagerness is frankly throwing a spanner in the works. You must want something from them. Or be plotting some grand subterfuge. Whatever it is, it’s unsettling and disconcerting.

Of course you’re not disarming them enough for people not to take advantage of your obliging nature. You’ve demonstrated yourself to be quicker AND cheaper than anyone else your client works with, so it makes perfect sense that you get all the rubbish, emergency jobs. And because you’ve established your own outrageous status quo, there’s no need to thank you for going above and beyond. Yes you worked 74 hours and only charged for 12. But you did that last month too. Too late to complain now.

So how do you break this cycle of self-abuse and take back control of your empire. Here are a few tricks I’ve learnt along the way:

• Learn to love the out-of-office: Whether you’re lounging about in your pyjamas or dashing around town, the OOO auto-reply is your friend. Not only does it buy you time (and prevent you from screeching to a halt on the side of a highway to reply to a message), but it also suggests that you are very busy and important and frankly have far better things to do. Use it often.
• Delay satisfaction: It might be awfully tempting to demonstrate your speediness by sending off work prior to its due date, but check yourself before hitting the send button. Beating deadlines is not going to win you any friends – in fact, it’s just going to result in future deadlines being moved forward, and in your client questioning why they’re paying for all these hours of your time. Next time, try clicking ‘Save as draft’ instead.
• Just say no: Sure it might be difficult to do, but the only way to truly get your clients to respect you is to respect yourself. You want someone to man your booth for the weekend? Hire a student. Need to get your product delivered urgently? Here’s the courier’s number. The more you stand up for yourself, the less you’ll be forced to say no in the long run.

Expansion would be a wonderful thing if you could simply extend the reach and capacity of the existing individuals of your team. You’d make more money, you’d all stand to benefit, and you’d only have to split the perks two or three ways (which is important when it comes to chocolate, let me tell you).

But sadly, this isn’t a feasible reality for a business owner, unless you’re willing to induce premature strokes across your workforce (which, let’s be honest, comes with its own set of obvious problems).

So you take the plunge, and make the decision to grow your staff contingent. Sounds easy enough in theory right? Out goes an ad, and in comes a wild flurry of qualified candidates, all eager and willing to take work off your exhausted hands? Surely? Yeah, not so much.

Instead, you’re now forced to juggle the demands of your growing client base with a series of woeful interviews with frankly unemployable individuals, most of whom insist on talking excessively and order multiple warm beverages on your account.

After extensive digging and many sleepless nights, a light finally breaks through the clouds of incompetence, proffering up a bright, driven and highly likable individual who promises you the world. Given the competition, you snap them up instantly, admittedly making yourself look a tad desperate, but seriously, who has the time (or the coffee budget) to waste?

Now the buzz is back. You’ve got the clients, you’ve got the hands. Life is looking pretty peachy around this point in time. Yet you soon come to realise that, whilst your sparkly new hire ticks all the boxes you asked for, they sadly do not have mind reading capabilities, nor the ability to instantly osmose years worth of information.

In real terms, this person is currently about as useful to you as a frontal lobotomy. They require constant minding, instruction, tutelage and reassurance, willing as they might be to get on with things. And for the A-type personality entrepreneur, this is a status quo that’s difficult to change.

There are one of two approaches one could opt for in this case. The first is to throw said individual right in the deep end, forcing them to sink or swim and learn rapidly on the job, be it from mistakes or success. And best you know it’ll definitely work.

That irresistible combination of pure terror and desperation to please is hard to beat when it comes to teaching life lessons. Of course, the flip side is the definite probability of egg on your face, as realistically no person can be expected to perfect anything right out the gate. Is it a risk you’re willing to take? After all, you haven’t hired this person just to go out and lose the client that got them hired in the first place.

The second approach is one that requires extreme patience and extensive time commitment, comprising regular teaching sessions and ‘brain dumps’, whereby you do your best to extract the various loose ends from your over-worked mind and inflict them upon the unsuspecting recipient. Of course, this means precious hours that aren’t billable, and a slow and steady learning curve that could only pay off many months down the line. So what’s a business owner to do?

Here are a few ways to save yourself time and money, and to equip your new hire with the tools to fend for themselves before the firing line:

• Divide and conquer: Remember, you don’t need to go it alone when it comes to up-skilling your new hire. In fact, your other employees are perhaps far better teachers than you, having more recently gone through the process themselves. So don’t be afraid to spread the teaching duties around – chances are it’ll result in a more rounded educational experience.
• Be bold: You hired this person, now you’re going to have to trust them. Now I’m not saying you should put them on your highest-paying client, pack them a lunchbox and wave them goodbye, but perhaps trial them out on one of your easier, more patient clients, and let them learn through trial and error. It might be a tad more stressful, but it’ll result in them being far more useful to you far sooner.
• Be patient: Think of a new hire as a long-term investment. Sure, they might cost you a bit in the short-term, but down the road, those extra hands are going to come in very handy indeed. So don’t expect the world immediately – it’s going to be a long, tough road, but it’ll be worth it in the end.

Now much as we might like to believe that the success of a fledgling business is entirely dependent on the level of skill and expertise on offer, the reality is that without professional networks in place, our entrepreneurial ideals are all but dead in the water.

So we smile politely when the CEO of a partner agency explains that visiting the bathroom is a waste of valuable time. We nod graciously when forced to travel to obscure destinations for ‘team building’ exercises that are nothing but a front for keeping us under close surveillance. We grin obligingly when our time is blatantly wasted because it’s clearly not as important as our older, more established comrades. All the while dying a little on the inside.

The sad reality of a start-up is that we’re not really in a position to turn away business, even if it comes complete with a side-order of psychosis. So if we’re approached to partner up with a thriving enterprise heaving with big-brand clients, we have no choice but to say yes. Even if it is presided over by someone nuttier than a Christmas fruit cake.

Usually these types of unholy alliances come complete with a slew of bold promises. “We’ll be a team, equal partners,” they might say. “All the business we get, you’ll be involved in too,” they’ll likely add to sweeten the deal. All of this is of course delivered with ample charm and back-slapping bonhomie, typical of those with outlandish mental health issues.

And so you sign on the dotted line, rather chuffed with yourself for giving your business a fat kick-start and grateful for the opportunity to work with such esteemed contemporaries. And for a little while, it’s all sunshine and rainbows. You touch base often, discuss shared goals, explore exciting opportunities. You pinch yourself regularly, wondering just how you lucked out so spectacularly.

But then the cracks start to show….

Before long, you realise your role is less that of equal partner and more one of eternal servitude, requiring you to drop everything at a moment’s notice so as to satisfy the increasingly bizarre whims of your inexplicably odd new accomplice. Suddenly, you’re excluded from client meetings – in fact, your public existence is all but wiped from the face of the earth, lest you somehow take credit for any of the work you’ve done.

But the pay cheques keep coming, so you put a lid on your objections. There’ll be more great opportunities on the way, you tell yourself. It’s worth the indignities suffered.

And then the crazy starts ramping up a notch. Suddenly, you’re being forced to travel to an obscure destination in the middle of nowhere for regular ‘team’ get togethers, which usually involve simply having to ‘ooh’ and ‘aah’ at the work of your supposed colleagues for extended periods. You’re being forced to sleep in a bunk bed, which you’re SHARING WITH YOUR COLLEAGUE, because your newly minted business partner prefers having you under their roof.

Yes, you are now officially being gaslighted. Because surely this can’t be real? People don’t sneak out of their rooms in the middle of the night in search of a comfortable hotel bed when they’re working on a glamorous global client? Do they? Suddenly the world is upside down, and you can no longer be sure whether you actually have a solid handle on reality.

And no, this is not a hypothetical scenario. This actually happens. Yet somehow, like those afflicted by Stockholm Syndrome, we keep returning to our captors, convinced we can change them, resolute in our naive assumption that things will improve with time.

But at what point is enough enough? Perhaps it’s the 15th time they blow off your scheduled meeting time only to call you back for a 90 minute chat after 10pm? Or when you’re forced to drop everything and fly to the back of beyond only to be asked to work on a client pitch that’s clearly not going to benefit your business in any way? Or do you wait until your own employees start leaving you, so frustrated are they by the constant upheaval inflicted on their day-to-day?

The important thing to remember is that no client, no matter how glamorous or international, is worth you sacrificing your own ethics and standards. There will be other opportunities, and there are in fact quite lovely people in this world who are willing to give you money to be more than just a glorified PA.

To help avoid you making the same mistakes I’ve made, here’s a handy little checklist you might wish to consult when an unsettlingly charming individual approaches you with an offer to good to refuse:

• Do some investigation. You can be sure that anybody working for a lunatic is just desperate for an opportunity to spill the beans. If you get even the slightest whiff of religious cults or accountants having to massage the boss every afternoon, run.
• Assess the convenience level. If a new partnership forces you (and potentially additional members of your staff) to travel regularly or operate at outlandish times, you might want to consider the ramifications to your business.
• Establish the facts. Bold promises are easy to make, but do they hold any water? Before you make a deal with the devil, it’s important to know whether they are in fact connected in the way they say. Because once you realise that the important phone calls they’re constantly on are largely with others’ voicemail services, it’s often too late to make the break.